Monday, October 27, 2014

Go Away

I'm not a perfect person.  I have never once claimed to be. I have had terrible things happen to me - both in childhood and in my adult life. Things that people shouldn't experience. And I'm not perfect because I have done shitty things too. Things just being young and dumb. Things out of selfishness. Things out of revenge. And things out of love. Some justified. Some completely misunderstood. It all makes me, me.
Rainy nights get to me. The whole dreary.....mood.....really takes me back to where I reexamine the last eight years of my life.  It feels like an entire lifetime wrapped up into almost a decade. 
I came upon some quotes recently that really stirred up some emotions - good and bad. Thoughtful. Encouraging. Heartbreaking. All of the above. I really go full circle.
After a While
After a while, you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul....

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning,
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead,
with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.
And you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way
of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while, you learn
that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden,
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting
for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn
that you really can endure.
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and you learn.
With every goodbye, you learn.
(veronica shoffstall)
It's so.....I don't know what the right word is......when you find something of which you are 100% sure, and it crumbles right before your eyes.
One day, you're going to want her back.
That girl, who knew she wasn't perfect, but tried to be, for you.
That girl who wanted nothing more than to be there for you.
Loving you was the only way.
To the girl who saw your flaws, but valued them as much as your strengths.
The girl who still can't hate you, even though you deserve it.
The girl who should have you, but doesn't.
And at first, there are excuses. They seem to be logical. Fair. Coupled with pleas to "keep all the details to yourself". After all, there are reputations to uphold, right?
Dirty little secrets.
A "perfect" life to maintain.
We wouldn't want to tarnish that golden status.
And then the lies start rolling in.
You knew damn well what you were doing - you knew damn well who you were breaking.
We all know the truth.
You were there. You know the truth.
I was there. I know the truth.
And if others thought hard enough.....hell, I don't have to say it. They know the truth.
One can only hide behind lies and deflections and distractions for so long. The truth always seeps to the surface.
I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you.
It doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could have misunderstood, and how in the hell, for that brief moment, you could think that you were that happy.
And sometimes, you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new, and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and the little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.
And then these thoughts take over.
He's going to be sorry he lost you.
Stop worrying.
Forget the past.
Forget the pain.
Remember what an incredible woman you are.
So, fuck him.
Fuck her.
Each as pathetic as the other, and that's a warped competition.
Two pathetic lives like that deserve each other.
To pretend all day long to friends. To family. To co-workers. To children.
How tiring.
But you will face the music, lying in the dark. Your own judgment day, so to speak.
Maybe someday I will tell my story. At the end of the day, we all just want to be heard.

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