Watching My Angel Boy Sleep

So it has occurred to me that it's not just our world that is going to change when this baby is born - Carter's world will change too.  He is used to being the center of attention in our house - well, pretty much everyone's house.  He's the only grandchild to our parents, and the first great-grandchild for both families.  And let's face it, it's all about him.  Which no one objects to.....he is pretty entertaining and loveable if you ask me.

I can tell you from personal experience as the oldest child in my own family, I didn't exactly welcome my younger brother with open arms.  It wasn't until our late teenage years that we could actually tolerate each other.  And now, he's one of my best friends.  But for the longest time, I didn't want anything to do with him.  He totally disrupted my concept of how the world goes 'round.  ;)

And to be honest, I have no clue how Carter is going to react to this new baby.  He seems pretty excited about the idea, and based on how he interacts with the other babies at daycare, he's going to do just fine.  But the difference is this:  at daycare, he gets to play with them for a while and then come home, where it's just him.  It's not a 24 hour-a-day thing....YET.  He has no idea that someone will be crawling around after him, trying to steal his toys and food and attention - ALL THE TIME.

And part of me is scared.  Out.of.my.mind.  For three years now, it's been all about Carter.  I love that child more than anything.  I would DO anything for him.  How do you know you have enough love for another child?  How do you know your heart is capable of loving another child as much as the one who has been the keeper of your heart for three years now?  Is it silly to even question that?  And I've had people tell me "you have no idea what your heart is capable of until that second child is placed in your arms, just like the first. And all that love you felt for the first, it is multiplied."  I hope this happens to me.  I'm not sure what I'm so scared of.

So last night, as I do every night before I go to bed, I went into Carter's room to make sure everything was ok, to make sure he was all tucked in and had his teddy bear with him.  And then, I just wanted to lay there with him.  So I did.  I have no clue for how long - maybe 30 minutes?  Just staring at him, watching him sleep.  Admiring the little dimple in his chin that I love.  Thinking about how he needs a haircut from his Aunt Ashley.  Watching his chest rise and fall with every breath.  How his eyelashes flutter.  Utter perfection is what it was.  And I was tempted to go get the camera and snap a picture of him.  But that kind of perfection is something I'm going to keep to myself, for my own memories.  My sleeping angel boy.